Fear is the mind killer
Hello June! In a couple weeks it’ll be six months since my back went out on me in the worst episode of pain I’ve experienced in the last 15 years of lower back problems. It took over three months to begin recovering and moving normally, and I can’t even say how awesome it is to function again. Ecstatically, humbly (yes at the same time) I can fold fully forward and place my hands on the ground and feel the stretch in the still-sore spaces in my spine. My soft body and weak lungs could use some good old cardio now and I’m never going to take the ability to work up a sweat for granted again! Bring it!
Life is picking up speed again and this month is full of all kinds of work, packing, change, excitement and uncertainty. I hope to find a place to move in the next few weeks. I’m waiting on approvals with the sale of my house and praying it’ll be as uncomplicated and timely as possible. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the rest of the money from the insurance company of the woman that hit my car. And the sudden loss of two beautiful friends last month taught me that none of these things are worth missing the fun, unplanned, loving moments that are possible each day. My favorite EDM festival, Esthetic Evolution, is smack in the middle of this time of change and I think it’s great. I’ll be dancing for our friends that’ll be there with us in spirit, and surrendering to all the imperfect perfection I’m learning to trust in the face of uncertainty.
I decided that since I’m feeling better physically and emotionally, it would be a good time to ask for some help tackling that Fear thing that’s always hanging out there somewhere, crowding me out of places I know I should be reaching for. Basking in the fullness of a much appreciated healing session, I’m allowing the words to seep into all the little cracks in my heart. It can feel like a rough and messy road to finding clarity and trusting my own intuition, and fear can be a tricky program to change. I haven’t been able to resonate with any process of “clearing” or “conquering” fear, but went into session hoping to at least gain a better understanding of the origin. I’ve already learned that escaping and avoiding only cause the intensity to grow and brings me a big fat dose of exactly what I’m afraid of. So having some guidance in how to look that fear in the face and know it like the old friend that it is was exactly the medicine I needed.
"What if I told you this fear was never going to go away?"
This truth is something I can accept rather than the idea that I’m just failing to dispel this fear. So I looked at it instead. I called up that thing I’m afraid of and went there fully and looked at it straight on. My fear was this dancing, shifting Being, mimicking the racing in my heart and the tremors in my body. It was a beautiful Being that looked much like this:
And I wondered how something so beautiful and clever could be something I needed to get rid of. It danced before me as I stared at it and then began to slow its movements under my gaze until it was still. The colors were muted and it began to shrink with distance until I could no longer see it.
Oh. So that’s what happens when you face it.
My friend, my Fear is hanging out for a very good reason. His dance is there to show me something. Much like my pain, it indicates that something isn’t right, something needs attention. But fear can also be attached to stories that aren’t really happening anymore and until now, I haven’t known how to differentiate.
I’m oh so grateful to see the difference and how to practice checking in with myself and what my heart says instead of allowing this guy to run the show. I’m curious to see if I can do away with my pain pattern that I thought only a few months ago might be the end of me.
I’m learning that the weakness and shame I’ve felt over being controlled by fear can be transmuted into Grace when I take the time to go inside and listen instead of reacting. What is triggering me this time? Maybe the fear is warning me of something real or maybe I just need to acknowledge its dance and watch it fade away when its not needed. And strength and peace will come from making the right decisions from the Heart.
I’m learning to love all the creatures past, present and future that I am made of instead of resenting the conflicting energy and confusion. The warrior, the healer and the huntress are intrigued with acquiring and sharpening the best tools for her belt before stepping out into those unknown places.
So much I’m happy to put into practice but I’m keeping the juiciest bits to myself for now to retain the magic that can be lost by trying to speak too much. Some words to guide my heart:
Being fearless doesn’t mean that I don’t experience fear. It just means that I choose Love anyway.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but standing by myself is not one of them. I won’t leave myself. The pain of people leaving my life has been devastating because I have left myself somewhere in the process. People are going to come and go and I will experience this again and again. But I will not leave myself.
This is my path and my agreements are between me and the Divine.
I was also told to read The Four Agreements. Which is funny because it has come up for me a lot in the last week already and I was meaning to acquire another copy since I gave mine away. I do better at some of these than others — always a good reminder:
The Four Agreements - don miguel ruiz’s code for life
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.