Pain & Ecstasy

Hello June! In a couple weeks it’ll be six months since my back went out on me in the worst episode of pain I’ve experienced in the last 15 years of lower back problems. It took over three months to begin recovering and moving normally, and I can’t even say how awesome it is to function again. Ecstatically, humbly (yes at the same time) I can fold fully forward and place my hands on the ground and feel the stretch in the still-sore spaces in my spine. My soft body and weak lungs could use some good old cardio now and I’m never going to take the ability to work up a sweat for granted again! Bring it!

Life is picking up speed again and this month is full of all kinds of work, packing, change, excitement and uncertainty. I hope to find a place to move in the next few weeks. I’m waiting on approvals with the sale of my house and praying it’ll be as uncomplicated and timely as possible. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the rest of the money from the insurance company of the woman that hit my car. And the sudden loss of two beautiful friends last month taught me that none of these things are worth missing the fun, unplanned, loving moments that are possible each day. My favorite EDM festival, Esthetic Evolution, is smack in the middle of this time of change and I think it’s great. I’ll be dancing for our friends that’ll be there with us in spirit, and surrendering to all the imperfect perfection I’m learning to trust in the face of uncertainty.


I decided that since I’m feeling better physically and emotionally, it would be a good time to ask for some help tackling that Fear thing that’s always hanging out there somewhere, crowding me out of places I know I should be reaching for. Basking in the fullness of a much appreciated healing session, I’m allowing the words to seep into all the little cracks in my heart. It can feel like a rough and messy road to finding clarity and trusting my own intuition, and fear can be a tricky program to change. I haven’t been able to resonate with any process of “clearing” or “conquering” fear, but went into session hoping to at least gain a better understanding of the origin. I’ve already learned that escaping and avoiding only cause the intensity to grow and brings me a big fat dose of exactly what I’m afraid of. So having some guidance in how to look that fear in the face and know it like the old friend that it is was exactly the medicine I needed.
“What if I told you this fear was never going to go away?”

This truth is something I can accept rather than the idea that I’m just failing to dispel this fear. So I looked at it instead. I called up that thing I’m afraid of and went there fully and looked at it straight on. My fear was this dancing, shifting Being, mimicking the racing in my heart and the tremors in my body. It was a beautiful Being that looked much like this:


And I wondered how something so beautiful and clever could be something I needed to get rid of. It danced before me as I stared at it and then began to slow its movements under my gaze until it was still. The colors were muted and it began to shrink with distance until I could no longer see it.



Oh. So that’s what happens when you face it.

My friend, my Fear is hanging out for a very good reason. His dance is there to show me something. Much like my pain, it indicates that something isn’t right, something needs attention. But fear can also be attached to stories that aren’t really happening anymore and until now, I haven’t known how to differentiate.

I’m oh so grateful to see the difference and how to practice checking in with myself and what my heart says instead of allowing this guy to run the show. I’m curious to see if I can do away with my pain pattern that I thought only a few months ago might be the end of me.


I’m learning that the weakness and shame I’ve felt over being controlled by fear can be transmuted into Grace when I take the time to go inside and listen instead of reacting. What is triggering me this time? Maybe the fear is warning me of something real or maybe I just need to acknowledge its dance and watch it fade away when its not needed. And strength and peace will come from making the right decisions from the Heart.
I’m learning to love all the creatures past, present and future that I am made of instead of resenting the conflicting energy and confusion. The warrior, the healer and the huntress are intrigued with acquiring and sharpening the best tools for her belt before stepping out into those unknown places.

So much I’m happy to put into practice but I’m keeping the juiciest bits to myself for now to retain the magic that can be lost by trying to speak too much. Some words to guide my heart:

Being fearless doesn’t mean that I don’t experience fear. It just means that I choose Love anyway.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but standing by myself is not one of them. I won’t leave myself. The pain of people leaving my life has been devastating because I have left myself somewhere in the process. People are going to come and go and I will experience this again and again. But I will not leave myself.

This is my path and my agreements are between me and the Divine.

I was also told to read The Four Agreements. Which is funny because it has come up for me a lot in the last week already and I was meaning to acquire another copy since I gave mine away. I do better at some of these than others — always a good reminder:

The Four Agreements - don miguel ruiz’s code for life

I laid awake from 4am to 5am this morning with an entire blog post pouring from my brain, but fell back to sleep with the satisfaction of knowing I would write it later. And do you think I could remember any of it now? It’s still there of course, having seeped back into the intricate pathways of my thought patterns, like the lifetimes of memories stored in my cells. I’m more excited and amazed each day, learning what these bodies are capable of. And I’m just beginning to see that I can relax in that space of not knowing and just accept that opportunity to listen. So what was I going to write about? I don’t know.

I really thought for a while there that I would never be pain-free again. It felt hopeless to imagine myself bending forward without that stiff, impossible resistance in my lower spine. It is with great ECSTATIC JOY that I can say I’m bending again. And dancing and smiling and feeling capable of all the crazy transformation ahead. What a magnificent plan that was in store for me all along. I surrender! With faith and trust, I fold forward, let go and actively surrender to the unknown.

EXHALE…..

I’m in the midst of a bunch of waiting and not knowing right now and it’s all very good practice. I’ve submitted the paperwork to apply for short sale on my house and I don’t know if it will be approved. I can’t start looking for a place or know how to move forward until I find out. I don’t know what I’ll do if they deny it. But in this moment, I have no control.

A week and a half ago, my car was hit by a woman in a truck while I was at a stop in a parking lot. It tore my bumper off and was very obviously not my fault. I didn’t involve the police or get any witness testimony, and even considered settling outside of the insurance, as a favor to another human. After reconsidering, I filed the claim with her insurance, only to have her lie and state that I was the one that hit her vehicle and I’m now in the middle of two different claims. I’ve given all proof that this damage was not my fault -


Yet, I could be faced with paying a $500 deductible for what she did. Luckily, I found a witness with the store security guard that saw the whole thing. I should be good to go, but I wait, not knowing, while phone calls are being made.

I’ve had a lot of fun lately taking West African drum lessons. Taking lessons in anything has always made me horribly nervous, but drumming is an amazingly healing and empowering form of expression that would be so good for my soul and I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try. It took a lot of courage to put myself there, in that space of not knowing and exposing my learning process to others with no place to hide. This is all very good for me and absolutely necessary. And it feels great.

What’s interesting to me in classes is observing other egos in the process. It’s easy to recognize the discomfort, hesitation and need for validation when those are all things I carry inside myself. Opening my heart, letting down that front and surrendering to not knowing becomes the only thing that allows me to receive. I’ve seen this in my relationships and with interactions all over the place - that need to sound like you “already know” things, even if it’s clearly not the case. Or even if it is the case, why does it need to be proven? Why are we so uncomfortable with where we are right now when that fear of being the listener keeps us from even greater experiences? I’m grateful for the examples around me so I can plainly see how silly my ego looks when I’m not willing to give that up. And how sweetly receptive it feels to take that seat as a student and say, “I don’t know. That’s why I’m here, now, and I honor that you have something to share with me.”

I believe we’re all teachers and healers. I learn so much from every person, whether they intended it or not. Stepping into that place of actively teaching can only come from first being willing to accept that place as a student. I learn from you when you’ve become a vessel, when you’ve become an expression of something beyond your Self. And what I learn from you might not even be something you “knew” you were showing me. My heart can see that knowledge is older than your ego, and it’s not about you or me. Great things to remember when I have something I want to share.

So once again I return to the message I’ve received loud and clear, over and over again….

LINSEY: GET OVER YOURSELF!

;)
L

Spring Equinox tomorrow! I want to sing from the treetops that we made it through the dark season once again! The seeds that have been silently waiting through many cold and dormant hours are awakening to a new year of big change and possibility. How much courage it must take for a seed to break open it’s protective shell and sprout into the unknown…

As I began to think more about boundaries and how to apply them to my life and discover where I was leaking energy, I was also confronted with how the limitations I’ve been living within are no longer serving me. The pain and swelling in my lower spine have yet to improve and I hit a point of anger and frustration with it that caused me to look beyond treatment and ask myself what needed to change on a bigger scale. I was getting a hopeless, unhappy message from my back, saying that it knew if it healed, I’d still be in the same place, living the same life with too much energy being spent in ways that no longer serve me. So what incentive is there to heal? How am I making myself available to receive and replenish? Where is my joy?

It was time to lighten the load.

I can’t recall the exact moment it struck me, but the decision has been weaving its way into my life for years, quickening and spiraling in until I finally met up with it in this Now…
I have to sell my house and move. My isolated lifestyle is not working anymore. I have to leave this home I built and move us closer to community.

I’ve thought about it for a long time and always imagined it happening some day, but never knew when or how. Like all big changes in my life, I assumed something else would push me into it, not just a proactive decision to do it on my own. I never imagined myself making it happen, but it turns out that’s exactly what I need to do.

I love my cute little house. I had it built when I was 20 years old. Raiven was about 2 1/2 when her dad and I moved in and I’ve poured my love and time and energy into it for almost 13 years since. I’ve chosen and planted everything on the property and watched it grow. Raiven’s dad moved out 8 years ago this spring and I’ve painted and transformed every room and spent hours carefully placing my intentions into the space. It is home and I still love it as much as the day I got to choose the carpet and see the foundation being built.

And now I’m going to leave. I’m terribly sad and scared, and also excited and feeling how necessary this change is. It’s as if I just decided to get a divorce. The question keeps coming up from all directions: “What do you have to give up in order to get where you need to be?” It’s not a new lesson. I wonder how I can leave something I still find so beautiful… but fortunately, life has already given me this lesson recently. And I understand that staying is no longer an option. The most amazing things involve some risk and sacrifice.

So I’ve stayed with the decision and wheels are turning and I don’t know how it’s all going to work, but it’s going to happen. I need to be free of the weight of this place, this boundary that has served its purpose. And after 13 years of mortgage payments, I’ll be short selling. Yes I can laugh about that. It’s time to let go. I can’t do this alone anymore and Raiven needs community and accessibility as much as I do.

I’ll have to downsize and part with things and I want to rent a little place in Boise; I’m not sure where yet. It’s been emotional to share the news with family because I’ve had parents and sisters nearby in this small rural town and always felt like that was a sensible reason to stay, even though we rarely visit these days. I have to talk myself out of guilt and sadness for leaving, but also know that we won’t be far away and this is what’s right for our lives now. It’s a huge, formative piece of my life I’m moving on from.

As much as I love creating cozy spaces, I know I’ll have no trouble making any place into Home. Raiven is excited about trying a different school and being closer to things and I love the thought of being near friends and events and having less property to be responsible for. I already gave our piano away last week, as we never played it and it needed a lot of repair. I was surprised at how easy it was as soon as I put it out there. That gives me hope that it will all come together and that I can make space and part with precious things.

There comes that time when you have to say, “I adore and honor you, but I have to let you go now.”



And a weight is lifted.

I expect to do a whole lot of crying as I move through this process and pack and sort my entire adult life. Fortunately I don’t hoard a lot of things but I will be digging up and clearing out corners that desperately need some air, and it’s scary. But it feels good already. We’ll see if I’ve learned how to ask for help yet ;)

Happy Equinox :)

Love,
linsey

Boundaries.

This one has been bouncing around my head for months. The need to explore the idea of boundaries keeps presenting itself and calling me to learn more. I’ve always avoided this concept for some reason, even as I moved into a path of self healing. It conjures images of angry women taking self defense classes and kicking men in the crotch.

I always thought that unless I want to live like I’m constantly about to get mugged, boundary-setting seemed a little unnecessary.

I guess I never developed a healthy definition of what exactly boundaries are for, except for the unwanted ones that were imposed on me growing up. Having a strict, religious father that attempted to correct all unholy behavior before it ever happened, I learned that thinking for myself undoubtedly led to sin. So I had to sneak and break rules just to explore being myself, and personal growth has been riddled with guilt ever since. Looking back now, I can see how my need to escape and discard the boundaries set for me didn’t teach me how or why to set any for myself, other than to create a safe place to cling to in fear of being out of control.

The mothers in my life have all been very hard working, strong characters with the kind of codependency that could survive the fires of hell before giving up on overextending themselves for others. I thought these were good values and was grateful that I wasn’t seeking someone to take care of me. How needy!

So in carrying on this tradition, I dealt with being a mom at 17 by working my ass off, overcompensating for my partner and losing myself completely. Because I didn’t want anyone else to be uncomfortable and I feared not offering enough to be worth someone’s time, my policy became “When in doubt, GIVE WAY TOO MUCH.”

Fast forward through my 20’s and into my early 30’s and I’m faced with a slideshow of all the ways this policy has made me very strong yet exhausted, generous yet angry, independent yet lonely, capable yet… meek. This way of being is missing a very key ingredient: the mutual exchange of energy that makes the experience fulfilling on all sides.

Giving it all away has manifested for me now as fatigue, pain and hypermobile joints that give beyond a safe range of motion. My hip joints allow me to sit in full lotus effortlessly, my elbows want to hyperextend in down dog, my head turns too far when the doctor is adjusting me. This isn’t the same as healthy flexibility. Most joints have a point where they naturally catch to keep the body safe from injury. Mine give farther than they should and I’m having to teach them where to stop. I’ve become my own child, teaching myself boundaries for the first time.

Experiencing all this pain and stiffness while being hyperflexible at the same time is a lot like being a paralyzed bowl of jello. Not much of a foundation. So I keep finding myself coming back to Boundaries. I actually had to do some searching on how other people define boundaries to get a better idea. I liked one woman’s advice, describing it not as something to keep everyone out, but as a container to allow yourself to grow and expand, while keeping you safe. I like this image of allowing myself space to absorb and form strong roots that are beginning to branch out, but still safely housed in my root container with room to grow.

I’m also seeing the magic in getting over the idea that boundaries are something that hold you back. You can’t really push your boundaries if you don’t have any to begin with - so where’s the adventure in that? The same goes for spending a lifetime trying to escape boundaries you didn’t set for yourself. How is that chip on your shoulder controlling you any less? These are old paradigms. I could spend the rest of my life resisting authority or my father, or I could thank him for what he tried to save me from, and move into using boundaries that I set on my own free will, for my own good.

Moving in to Spring, I’m feeling really happy and hopeful as I tenderly rebuild myself. I might’ve never had a reason to rewrite my story this way if I hadn’t landed in the kind of pain and defeat that wouldn’t allow me to give it away anymore. I’m excited now to practice giving from a place of balance; of giving AND receiving. I’m excited to choose my level of involvement and rely on my joints to hold strong at a place that’s good for me. I’m ready to think inside AND outside the box. These are the kinds of relationships and conversations and exchanges that are nurturing, and it all begins with wanting that nurturing relationship with myself.

It’s been a few weeks, but I haven’t wanted to post any writing that felt forced or obligated by some weekly schedule. There’s enough of that to keep up with, right?

The back pain had greatly improved for a bit, to the point of feeling *nearly* normal again. But gradually, the stiffness worsened and my forward bending was still inhibited by pain in the sacrum area. I tried to keep gently stretching into it, but it wasn’t happening, and sitting became medieval torture once again. Feeling crooked and frustrated, I went in for another adjustment this week. The doctor said the inflammation was pushing my lowest vertebra out and did some craniosacral therapy to straighten me out again. I’ll be getting another adjustment tomorrow to ensure we keep it straight while it heals. Meanwhile, I’m doing everything possible to encourage my body to respond to the inflammation and get better.



This is the longest bout of back insanity I’ve experienced ever I think. Sometimes I wonder if this is it. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
But! I know that’s not true. And as Spring approaches and new life emerges, my desire to be a part of the fresh, green, living, breathing world is pushing me forward with Hope.
My kitchen has turned into a laboratory of probiotic foods, so far including kefir, sauerkraut, kimchi and kombucha and I’m having so much fun with it! Raiven is loving all of it too and experiencing so much improvement with her health. Along with the herb and mineral friends above, I’m feeling so supported and symbiotic with these helpful organisms brewing in our home. Their intelligence and many applications amaze and excite me into learning more every day.

Some might find this much work completely unappealing and unnecessary, as they have plenty of energy to spare or aren’t experiencing the type of issues a person with a weak and deeply depleted system has to deal with. Even me from a few years ago would be appalled at seeing an army of supplements and a bunch of food that required daily maintenance. But these have all been gradual changes and I’m learning hands-on the empowerment that comes with making your own medicine.

Frankly I’m jealous of those born with a strong constitution that see no need for any of this because they can party every weekend and eat like a goat and never get sick, while I get a cold every time I leave the house and have to have someone on suicide watch if I overextend myself and abuse my body in any way. Having a healthy supply of energy in the organs is a blessing so many take for granted. But at the same time, not having that luxury has given me the opportunity to learn so much and I’m thankful for the sensitivity I’m developing to others’ health as well. I’ve learned some about the TCM understanding of the Kidneys that explains much about my struggle to regain this vital energy. We inherit a certain Prenatal Qi (“chee”) at birth, which is stored in our kidneys as a sort of savings account. This reserve is tapped during our lives when recovering from illness, trauma, drug use and other abuse, leaving less of this precious resource for health during old age. It’s extremely easy to use up and extremely difficult to replenish. The kidneys also supply the “fire” which warms the heart and spleen and inspires the lung to spread Qi through the body, among many other functions. Imagine what poor habits and abuse (and childbirth in my case) do to a system that is already suffering from deficient Kidney Qi. Interestingly, the emotion associated with the kidney is Fear, which can manifest in excess in the life of someone experiencing this depletion and also further deplete this organ.

So many pieces to this magical puzzle, I am truly enchanted. In an ideal world, I would have all the rest, time for healing movement practices and access to pure water and unaltered organic food to regain my wellness. But then so many of us wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place. So while conflict and war is raging on in the world around us, we’re each faced with the battle of balancing our daily lives, even if we aren’t in immediate danger of physical violence.

I don’t have the drive to engage in world politics when I feel like my primary objective is to regain my strength to complete whatever mission I came here for. To be able to touch my damn toes and find my voice. If I were to accomplish these things, would it perhaps be the most meaningful contribution I could make at this time? The best example that I can teach my daughter about being whole and well? There are already droves of people making bad decisions for our well being from a place of poor health and mental and emotional imbalance. I can’t control them. But I can do everything in my power to make things right in my lineage. I feel the weight of this karmic assignment on my back.

A haze of illusion has definitely lifted, where in the past I’ve been too confused and unsure of myself to just stop the train and get off if something wasn’t right for me. Does anyone else realize just how simple that can be? I’ve compromised myself in the worst way - with vitality I didn’t have to spare - and it was of no benefit to anyone in the end. But the same way a lack of money forces you to get creative, I’m learning to get frugal and wise with where I invest this energy. Some of that Love is going back to my dear kidneys for sure. And those little things that keep coming up that spark my fear and excite me and feel a little out of my timid reach?… I’m going to reach just a little farther and give that power to Joy and Creation instead of Fear ;)

—Adinkra proverb

I’d like to share something I finally tried last week that has shifted my perspective dramatically. The joint inflammation and disk irritation was hanging on without much improvement and I could feel myself sinking into a festering frustration that was causing me to withdraw from normal interaction even further. How could I get my mind off something that was so persistently making me miserable? What was it going to take to be free?

I remembered a practice that a teacher shared that interested me but wasn’t something I could bring myself to do at the time. There it sat in my inbox, available to me whenever I decided to give it a shot. I found this practice similar to Tonglen in how it focuses on compassion instead of trying to invoke positive things for one’s own benefit. This technique, called Ho’oponopono originated in Hawaii. If you care to check out the link, there is some history on its use and refinement over the years, into a healing practice that only requires the participation of one person (as opposed to all parties being present with the use of a mediator.) What intrigued me was the amazing results it had on high security criminally insane patients in Hawaii State Hospital. And the words of the doctor that used it when asked how he healed them:
“I didn’t heal them. I healed part of myself that created them.”

Ho’oponopono is a self transformative cleaning process consisting of four simple phrases: I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
(I prefer “I apologize” over “I am sorry” as I don’t believe it’s good to program being a “sorry” person into our psyche, but rather the act of apologizing.)

This can be done alone, directing the thoughts toward people in your life without them even knowing. My first honest reaction to this was… hell no. I wasn’t in a place to apologize to my sources of pain or take responsibility for anyone else’s painful behavior. When we’re in a place of extreme pain, the deepest human instinct is to avoid anything that we perceive to cause more pain. That instinct was designed to keep us alive and aware of danger. It takes being in a safe and willing place to begin to dig deeper and let go of blame. And boy did I have to dig deep.

I spoke these phrases carefully and repeated them until I fully understood why I was saying them to the people with the behavior that upset, hurt and devastated me. Wrapped in blankets with a box of tissues, it was some of the most difficult, emotional and humbling work I’ve ever done and I sincerely recommend it. It took some time to make sense of the words in relation to the person and I learned so much in those considerations. It was also interesting how easy some parts were to say to some people and how it took more humbling steps down my pride ladder to speak them to others.

I love you. This truth remains above all else. Simply and humanly, in the end it’s so much more important than anything.
I am sorry. I’m sorry because you deserve to know that. I apologize.
Please forgive me. I might not be the one that hurt you and put that filter of defense around your heart so you have to protect yourself. I might not be the one that taught you to lie or hurt others. But, actually I am. To say that the person that caused your pain doesn’t also exist a little bit in me too would be untrue. I helped create you and continue to do so in this world unless I admit and heal this piece I can be responsible for: myself. Please forgive me.
Thank you. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I would have no one to share this beauty with if you weren’t here. Thank you so much.

After my first try, I went to sleep peacefully exhausted. The next morning, I was surprised at how light my mood was, and even more surprising, that my joints felt more free. I drove to work in almost no pain and didn’t have to lay down for nearly an hour after I got to the office. It was the first pleasant day since my back had freaked out over a month ago. I went a little deeper with the practice again that night and was amazed at the feeling the next day. So clear. Not just my pain and negative feelings, but my perspective on speaking and interacting with others as a whole. The need to be “right”, to defend or be offended to reassure myself that my way of thinking is correct kind of melts away when I’ve embraced the unwanted behavior of others as my own. Having some fresh perspective and energy feels like such a sweet welcome gift, I’m no longer interested in spending it in debates that serve no purpose beyond tearing someone down. I’m no longer interested in being torn down. Deconstructing myself has been so much more rewarding. It’s left me with great peace and I hope I remember to revisit this practice when the fog of conflict comes rolling through again.
 
I got to go out for a night last weekend and dance and be with some friends I missed dearly. These are things I appreciate more than ever after being imprisoned in a body of excrutiating pain. What could be more beautiful after that than life and love and laughter? I wouldn’t wish suffering on anyone, but know we all have our share of it. Wishing you much peace, freedom and happiness from within.

“Body is not stiff. Mind is stiff.” —Sri K Pattabhi Jois

In yogic theory, this is where limitations exist. So then what is so unbending in my mind, so inflexible, that it physically locks and freezes the joints and muscles used in forward bending - a posture that speaks of relaxation, acceptance and release?

After receiving another spinal adjustment last week and spending a few days feeling like I got the shit kicked out of me with a cowboy boot, I feel straighter as far as my structure goes. Movement is better, but I’m still limited to 20 minutes of sitting or standing before I’m forced to lay down and allow the pain radiating across my hips and shooting down my legs to relax. I’ve been through this stage before and know it can take some time to finally heal.

My intention is to find the source of this pain/fear/freezing reaction. I often feel like I’m trying to confront something much older than me and that my body doesn’t know the difference between protection and complete deer-in-the-headlights paralysis. This may be the first time I’ve been so open with my process and I appreciate the space to do so. I realize I’m putting myself out there to be judged, but that also gives others a chance to display where their views are coming from. It’s been a good lesson in understanding what kind of help a person in pain may need. Everyone deserves their process and sometimes as a healer, the only thing necessary is to listen without judgment and hold space for a person as they search. The answers are already there, after all.

This weekend I spent my alone time filling my head with a combination of muscle testing and balancing technique information and reading the fascinating backgrounds of South American vegelistas Luis Eduardo Luna and Pablo Amaringo. Both are extremely exciting and complementary topics for me. I’ve always been intrigued with circuitry and the organic origins of what we consider “technology.” Learning about the human body as an electric circuit, with polarities and currents and points that connect and how it reacts in relation to the information our consciousness holds makes me ecstatic to be on this human journey. I’m SO excited to learn more hands-on in the workshop with my class next weekend! Observing a muscle lock and unlock, giving very firm “yes” and “no” answers has been super interesting so far.

“Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.” — MLK, Jr.

Not completely unrelated, in mestizo shamanism all illnesses, pain and death are considered caused by some other outside animated force, such as an animal or insect spirit or a sorcerer inflicting harm. Healing in this modality, using plant intelligence and other realities, looks very different and senseless to the western scientific world. But it’s not really that far from the growing acceptance that dis-ease is the body’s reaction to external sources of harm which have been internalized.

I believe all dis-ease has a cure. I also believe in the response-ability we have to use energy for the greater good. We’re part of a grid much larger than ourselves after all. Reaction and delivery are just as important in the cycle as what we seek to receive. We can’t speak of love and peace while acting on violent emotions. We can’t offer comfort or support from a place of fear. The electrical current of our beings won’t flow with what our hearts know isn’t true. I can’t control the actions of others in this world, but I do have control over my own reactions and ways that I cause harm and waste energy, once I’m willing to recognize them. That is my response-ability.

The revolution truly starts from within.